Poetry Life and Mind-ful Things

Archive for the ‘angry’ Category

Let Me Explain: Part 2

Difficulties in life can weigh heavily on the mind, body, spirit, and soul of anyone. For me it has been to the point of emotional drainage. Dealing with these and coming to grips has undoubtedly taken its toll but has not destroyed me although at times I have felt as if they have. 


I have always been a firm believer in God although I have not been in His presence the way I once was and I’m sure that is one reason for my present state of being. Prayer has made its way back into my life and is making a big difference. 


Many years ago when I was a member of New Life Worship Center, I prayed oh so many times about my marriage and how I so desired to have a loving relationship with TheWife again. When we first met, things were everything I wanted in a relationship, but that changed after we got married. We still had good times and I’m sure many can relate how changes take place after years of being together, but I also know that this in not the norm in many cases. Many people knew of my dilemma and I’m sure countless prayers went out on our behalf. 


I am an emotional, caring and sensitive person. Passion is strong in my being. I so desired to have these a part of my marriage but it was not to be and I wondered if I would ever rekindle these in the marriage. I tried talking and doing whatever I could to have my prayers answered because I knew that praying alone would not bring this to fruition. After years of emptiness I gave up and realized I was not going to have the answer I was seeking. I was bitter. Not at God, because I knew that all prayer does not bring the answer we are looking for. I was bitter at TheWife. I wondered why she chose to take the route she did in not trying to keep any kind of passion between us. I was truly perplexed. What puzzled me during our time in church was the fact that she began to give me the impression that because we were in church, it was wrong to have sexual thoughts and desires. For example, if we were watching a movie that had sex scenes, she would make comments about how disgusting it was….what?! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I talked to her countless times but without success. It was as if she felt because she was in church it was taboo to even think that way. Sure we had what she thought was sex every now and again but far from what even came close to satisfying my needs. After awhile I felt it was pointless and made me feel even more despondent. 


I know that it is not unusual for some people to lose there sex drive but I don’t feel that was the case here. My thoughts were and still are today that she just didn’t want to have sex with me, she kept me at arms length so as NOT to have that in our marriage. Why? I have a few guesses as to why (maybe in part 3?). 


I can’t remember the last time we had a long passionate kiss or loving embrace. My heart weighs heavy and I’m sure you may be wondering why in the world would I stay in a situation like this and I wonder also.


When we got back together, I thought things would be better than they were before and that we would have a relationship that would resemble anything close to what I dream of. She seems to be content with the way things are and would be happy to have a sexless, passionless life together. I’m far from being dead in body, mind, spirit and desires of the heart. I want and need to have the touch of a woman that would take my breath away. I long to have my ear nibbled. I want to have a woman’s hand to momentarily stroke or squeeze my butt to let me know that I still have it goin’ on. When I look in the mirror I see a man… a real man….not out of shape. Sure I’ve aged but at almost 58 years old, still desirable.


I’m not bitter at God, but I have asked…why Lord? What have I done to deserve this emptiness?


I’m sure you can tell in my comments lately concerning TheWife that I’m not happy and I seem to be bashing her but I also know that it is and has been up to me to do something about it. Saying that, I have to say this….because I believe in God, I also believe in the vows I took when I got married. I believe in family. But I also believe I deserve better because I gave my all.


Is this what I get for being such a caring person?….


I know some of you say…fool…what are you still doing there? I have asked that same question. 


Lord, I know you are able to change anything and I also know that sometimes the answer is no….what to do….what to do.         

Challenges

A thought just came to me concerning challenges…several thoughts actually. 


Sometimes we seem to feel we are challenged and in some cases we are put on the defensive because we may feel it was unjust, creating emotions built on anger.


There are times when stuff pops up when we least expect it and that could cause anxiety…which in turn will bring thoughts that are not quite clear because we don’t have the desire to deal with anything.


Then there are challenges that push us…make us work, think, have that feeling of accomplishment. 


So what are the underlying factors behind challenges? Are they tests? Do they come to consume ones very being? Are they meant to build?…or destroy. 


Challenges come in all facets through life. We cannot avoid them. One thing they can do at times… frustrate. But I believe in the long run, that builds character.


My vote goes to challenges being an integral part of life unavoidable….like it or not…and whether I like them or not, they teach me and I learn and from that comes growth.


I guess it’s all in how you look at it.


Whatr U Workin On?  

Still Workin On It

I haven’t forgotten about the meme or the other stuff I’m #workinon. It’s been a rough ride lately and really tough to get the wrench out of the gears.


My previous post was in draft and I had forgotten all about it. I had written it back on May 13th and thought I might tweak it a bit, but set it aside. That must have been the beginning of the funk. 


Finding a happy medium in a place that is filled with anything but happiness has been breathtaking…and not as in awe inspiring. It has been a struggle to break through the rut of what seems like, despair. I say despair because it seemed to be relentless. Usually I would find myself dealing with negatives, on a positive note. Noooo…not this time.


I’m angry with myself for allowing this to happen….this is not me. Sure there are times when we fall into doldrums, but I was getting dangerously close to not wanting to write anymore. It was as if I didn’t care…AND I KNOW THAT IS NOT ME!   



Going through my mind now, I see some of the things that has brought me to stagnant hood. 


Occupation-wise, I have been installing auto glass for 30+ years now….I’m tired. I like what I do….but I’m tired. One of the most rewarding part of my job that keeps me going are the customers we service. It is really gratifying to see the smiles and have a good talk at times while working. 


I think I’m burnt on my current occupation and deep inside, crave for change, something new. But we all know that these are tough times and jobs are hard to come by. Watching the evening news and saw that all those people will be out of work once this last shuttle mission is over.


Tough times…nuf said on that.


I bought a used bike this past Sunday. This will be beneficial in many ways. I don’t have to worry about gas. I get exercise. My mind will start functioning again. Can’t go wrong with any of that.


I’m still here and kickin’.


Whatr U Workin On?


Just Not Sure

I’m not sure I know where to begin….as far as anything internet-wise, I have been a ghost. It wasn’t planned, it just happened. I do have a few theories as to why I haven’t been writing. 


I was all set, ready to move on and open things up. My last post was the beginning of the room change…reorganizing and reducing the clutter. The only thing it cost me was time….I made do with whatever was at hand. I started the post on the finished work, but it’s in draft….I’ll finish it soon.


I have really been stressed out lately. There I was, traveling along my journey full of gusto, thoughts and ideas when out of the sky comes…stuff. All kinds of stuff…..work, home, finance and more stuff. I retreated and climbed into a shell of sorts. The sorts being my writing was the only thing other than my emotional state that suffered.


I tried several times to get a post out but couldn’t finish any of them, frustrating me even more. So I concentrated my energy toward getting other things done like the room, laundry, the beach and a lot of thinking.


I realized that I have been trying to do too much with the little time I have to myself these days. I think that is why I withdrew from writing. Just when I felt good about things and the future looking bright, it seemed no matter where I turned, something was in the way. It was becoming unbearable. 


My pen and my keys grew all the more silent. The strange thing is that I missed writing immensely, but it was easy to stay away even in my state of frustration. I guess I’m thinking I would make things worse for myself by fueling the fire.   


I have directed most of my frustration inward which created some anxiety filled with self doubt. I started questioning myself and surprised at some of the answers. Thus the reason to scale back. The WhatrUWorkinOn meme is still a go….I’m really looking forward to that. 


Poetry and short stories are still in with one exception…I will not be linking. I have a lot of ideas with what I want to do with poetry and shorts. For starters, I have been thinking of combining a poem I wrote and tying it in with a series of shorts and poems. I’ve already penned a starter for the story, but I misplaced my notebook during the room change….one of those somethings that fell from the sky.  



The past couple of days have been a little better for me and I want to get back to writing again. I just need to do some serious time management in that category. 

Tired Of





It’s been awhile since my last post and I’m disappointed in myself because I had things I needed to get done. 


Now my excuse…..as much as I write about being positive, looking on the bright side, the wonders of nature, enjoying family time….I’m beat, battered, bruised and feeling every bit of it. 


I feel as if I’m back peddling, the impression of moving but going nowhere. I don’t wanna write, I don’t wanna read, my mind is filled with stuff, things and unmentionables. 


I don’t like this….at all. I feel so out of sync…almost lost. I don’t like this. I’m angry and bitter. Almost heartbroken…..no, this has nothing to do with love relations. If you don’t know me by now, I don’t tell everything. You will know of my frustration at such matters, so you’re getting something (not meaning to be blunt).


For now that’s about it. I still have a couple of things I need to get out and I’m not sure what will happen after that. 


I do know one thing for sure….I’m tired of being tired of. 

True Friends

You know, it’s amazing how we meet people throughout our lives. Some, are in our lives for years on end and some for only a short time. I would like to address those who become True Friends. They have become an integral part of our lives, almost like family to us. We have spent countless hours together, laughing, talking, and crying together. We know a lot about each other. We have relied on the other for various reasons. We are ecstatic when a friend comes through for us. What would we do without them? 
Sometimes our changing lives will cause us to have to separate from our friends. We are sadden because we won’t be able to see one another on regular terms. Sometimes an argument will “break” friends up. That creates hostility between the involved parties.  Sometimes it’s a change in lifestyle that will cause friends to drift. 
True Friends will never let distance come between them. They will finds ways to stay in touch. We may not always hear their voices, see their faces, or touch them, but we know they are still, our True Friends.
True Friends will never let hostilities come between them. Sure there may be some time that goes by when we don’t talk to them, but when we are able to chill and reconnect….now that’s, True Friends.
True Friends won’t let change in lifestyles come between them. Remember? We’ve spent those countless hours together…talking, laughing, crying, helping each other, witnessing marriages, births and deaths…together. No…we won’t let change come between us…because we are, True Friends.
So I dedicate this post to all True Friends. You have been there since the beginning, and we stay…True Friends. 

Mondays

For most of us Monday is the beginning of the work week. It seems to drag on forever and things go wrong and we just hate it. But don’t things go wrong during other days of the week and some of those days drag along also? Yeah, but not like Mondays. Mondays are like our worst nightmares coming true…week, after week, after week, after……Even on a nice bright sunny day, Mondays can bring out the worst in some people. You know who I’m talking about….the one you were with the night before at the club, or the dinner party, or maybe it was the family reunion…yeah, laughing it up having a good old time. Nothing going wrong, everything falling right where they should be.  Then comes Monday, oh–my–goodness–it’s like someone stuck a pin into them and it’s causing such pain they extrude their anguish in every way possible. They sit at their desk, or cubicle, in a garage, mowing the lawn…they pause, and you can almost hear it….they know it’s not everyone else causing them grief, no one stuck a pin into you. You know it’s not even you….you take a deep breath, some will slouch in their chairs with their arms dangling down to the side ever so loosely, heads thrown back, leaning on that car that’s been giving you grief for days, and I can’t believe I forgot to get gas as you sit on the mower…..you know it’s only because it’s  *deep sigh*  Monday.

%d bloggers like this: