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Let Me Explain: Part 2

Difficulties in life can weigh heavily on the mind, body, spirit, and soul of anyone. For me it has been to the point of emotional drainage. Dealing with these and coming to grips has undoubtedly taken its toll but has not destroyed me although at times I have felt as if they have. 


I have always been a firm believer in God although I have not been in His presence the way I once was and I’m sure that is one reason for my present state of being. Prayer has made its way back into my life and is making a big difference. 


Many years ago when I was a member of New Life Worship Center, I prayed oh so many times about my marriage and how I so desired to have a loving relationship with TheWife again. When we first met, things were everything I wanted in a relationship, but that changed after we got married. We still had good times and I’m sure many can relate how changes take place after years of being together, but I also know that this in not the norm in many cases. Many people knew of my dilemma and I’m sure countless prayers went out on our behalf. 


I am an emotional, caring and sensitive person. Passion is strong in my being. I so desired to have these a part of my marriage but it was not to be and I wondered if I would ever rekindle these in the marriage. I tried talking and doing whatever I could to have my prayers answered because I knew that praying alone would not bring this to fruition. After years of emptiness I gave up and realized I was not going to have the answer I was seeking. I was bitter. Not at God, because I knew that all prayer does not bring the answer we are looking for. I was bitter at TheWife. I wondered why she chose to take the route she did in not trying to keep any kind of passion between us. I was truly perplexed. What puzzled me during our time in church was the fact that she began to give me the impression that because we were in church, it was wrong to have sexual thoughts and desires. For example, if we were watching a movie that had sex scenes, she would make comments about how disgusting it was….what?! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I talked to her countless times but without success. It was as if she felt because she was in church it was taboo to even think that way. Sure we had what she thought was sex every now and again but far from what even came close to satisfying my needs. After awhile I felt it was pointless and made me feel even more despondent. 


I know that it is not unusual for some people to lose there sex drive but I don’t feel that was the case here. My thoughts were and still are today that she just didn’t want to have sex with me, she kept me at arms length so as NOT to have that in our marriage. Why? I have a few guesses as to why (maybe in part 3?). 


I can’t remember the last time we had a long passionate kiss or loving embrace. My heart weighs heavy and I’m sure you may be wondering why in the world would I stay in a situation like this and I wonder also.


When we got back together, I thought things would be better than they were before and that we would have a relationship that would resemble anything close to what I dream of. She seems to be content with the way things are and would be happy to have a sexless, passionless life together. I’m far from being dead in body, mind, spirit and desires of the heart. I want and need to have the touch of a woman that would take my breath away. I long to have my ear nibbled. I want to have a woman’s hand to momentarily stroke or squeeze my butt to let me know that I still have it goin’ on. When I look in the mirror I see a man… a real man….not out of shape. Sure I’ve aged but at almost 58 years old, still desirable.


I’m not bitter at God, but I have asked…why Lord? What have I done to deserve this emptiness?


I’m sure you can tell in my comments lately concerning TheWife that I’m not happy and I seem to be bashing her but I also know that it is and has been up to me to do something about it. Saying that, I have to say this….because I believe in God, I also believe in the vows I took when I got married. I believe in family. But I also believe I deserve better because I gave my all.


Is this what I get for being such a caring person?….


I know some of you say…fool…what are you still doing there? I have asked that same question. 


Lord, I know you are able to change anything and I also know that sometimes the answer is no….what to do….what to do.         

It’s Priceless

I’m not sure where to begin…I’ve started this thing four times already. 


The drive…the friends…the aches and pains…or the need for more sleep.


Well, Reg and I got the majority of the truck loaded Saturday night. There were just the last minute items that seemed to take forever to finish on Sunday.


Sunday morning we all head off to church. New Life Worship Center.  It had been…oh gosh…I believe at least five years since we were all there together.  


It was as if we had never left.


There were some people in the church who knew we were coming that morning and we figured the word had gotten out, but to our surprise, the ones who knew must have kept it to themselves. The look on the faces as we walked in were priceless…really priceless. As we began to find a place to sit, we were greeted with handshakes and hugs. 


As I sat in the pew, listening to the singing, memories began to flood my mind with the moments I had enjoyed when we attended…the worship, the fellowship…that too is priceless.


 It still has that at home feel to it. It was really nice to catch up with what’s going on in the lives of those you haven’t seen in years. They were having their Christmas program and a dinner afterward.


The girls had a ball playing with the other kids. I couldn’t believe how those kids I remember had all grown up. Sure I’ve seen pictures on Facebook, but it’s not the same as up close and personal. Unforgettable moments.

After we had finished saying our goodbyes and all, it was time to head back to the apartment to finish packing the loose ends. Darcel went back out to get her last minute visits in. 

By now, it’s later than we had planned to leave, but we are ready for Clarice and Reg to leave Dayton to begin a new life in Virginia Beach. We made good time while the kids were asleep, but once they began to wake, we lost all of that time. That was to be expected, but still very tiring.

I was supposed to return to work on Tuesday, but due to the later time of arrival, we had to put off unloading the truck until…Tuesday…so I had called off work. I knew I had put my fellow workers in a bind, but I really had no choice because the truck had to be returned on Wednesday. 

Again, it was Reg and I who unloaded the truck. I was beat tired…as was Reg, but we kept on going. While we were unloading the truck, I had stopped to check a load of clothes in the dryer…it’s second time around and the clothes were still damp. I knew something wasn’t right so I had to take the time to see what the problem was. 

The lint trap was clogged beyond the filter. I wanted to take the cover off to remove the excess lint, but it had tamper resistant screws which I had no tool for. So I get a hanger and a flashlight to remove the lint…piece by piece. I wanted to use the vac, but the attachment was too big to fit into the opening. I had some tubing in my room and I cut a section and fit it into the wand attachment and taped it so I could suction what I could. It was a very slow process but it worked…all the while, Reg is still unloading what he can without me. 

I get it to the point where the dryer is working much better, but I know I will need to go deeper into the cleaning process of the vent hose. A project for later.

I honestly don’t know how we managed to stay on our feet through it all. 

The truck was returned late Tuesday night. 

I returned to work on Wednesday dog tired. I was literally exhausted while working but I pushed through. I get home from work and after awhile, I realize I HAVE to lay down. I woke up around 7:30 or so and went back to sleep. I wake again, it’s almost 10:00, so I decide to just go to bed for the night. 

I didn’t start feeling rested until yesterday. 

Now I turn your attention to what it’s like with Clarice and Reg here. Surprisingly, the atmosphere is upbeat.  Again, it’s as if we haven’t skipped a beat. Clarice and Reg are getting to know the kids and vise versa. Clarice is MaMaw to the girls and Reg is uncle R. Samuel while were in Dayton had issues with Clarice at first, but that changed towards the end. Clarice told me that Nakiah said MaMaw was gone for a long time. Nakiah was 3 years old when they last saw each other.

What I like about all of this?…even though Clarice and I are not the couple we once were, we are all still family and this household feels that…again…priceless.

Once Charles and Darcel get their own place, it will be different without the kids. I’m so used to them being here all the time…but they will be near.

Is this just what the doctor ordered? I’m not sure, but I do know… 

Having everyone here is…you guessed it…priceless.    


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