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Archive for the ‘decisions’ Category
A LOT Of Thinking
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about many different things. Some of it making me very angry, some making me think even more, some giving me feelings of despair, and some giving me answers.
Early in my life, I had been taught to take responsibility for what I do and I have done that for the most part. I am far from being anywhere near perfect and I acknowledge that. I have made many mistakes that I take the blame for. I hurt when I hurt others.
When others make mistakes that affect me, I try to remember that they too are human and mistakes happen. But when the same types of mistakes happen on a consistent basis I have a problem with that. I know we are suppose to forgive, but the Lord knows I have trouble with consistent mistakes. When and where is the line drawn? I know too we are to forgive at all times.
In this skin that is humanity, it is very difficult…all too easy to hate those that do these things to us. But in the end, it is I who will suffer because of not forgiving. I will be the one whose bones will ache and drawn into a state of depression and despair. It is my mind that will be filled with bitterness that is best used for the betterment of my life and for those around me while they that choose to live a life of doing what they do continue to do what they do, whether knowingly or not.
The importance of forgiving is just that…very important. The effects of harboring unforgiving thoughts is far more damaging than one can imagine. It has no benefits that will be good for me.
I am really struggling at the moment and I know I need to turn this around. I need to stop looking at what has happened over the past few years and move on. I have a lot of positive things going on and I am thankful for that.
Humility is hard to swallow. Perfection was given only to the one true God and He said that we are to forgive because He knows that if we don’t…it is we who will suffer…and we are to leave the rest to Him.
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Am I Too Hard On Myself?
Sometimes I think I have to justify being critical about what I do or want to do to achieve the goals I have set. It has not been easy for me to push forward to reach for that gold ring as the wheel goes around.
I think of the setbacks and how hard it has been for me to regroup, breath, forgive AND forget. It is so hard to keep a frame of mind to NOT let things keep me from accomplishing what I know I am capable of doing. It is so easy to listen to that voice telling me to give up, quit, it’s not worth it, OR that it can’t be done. Telling me that no one really cares or wants what I have to offer.
Sometimes I start feeling and believing that. I do want to stop and I do hear myself say those words, breathing sighs of discouragement.
Yes it is easy to drop it all after losing so much in preparing for this moment in my life…when just a few short years ago I was tool ready and now starting from scratch.
I could let these emotions fester like a sore and destroy me, but then I’m asked if I still make Shadowbox Clocks and I say yes and now find myself custom designing an 8 x 8.
I do have a lot of things going on and I do intend to keep moving on and NOT giving up.
Yes I am hard on myself at times but it’s a good thing. As much as I would like to post on a regular basis, I’s getting busy for me and it may get quiet here, but…
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It Just Takes One
It’s funny sometimes how things work out or just plain Divine intervention…a wake up so to speak. Any number of people can tell you the same thing over time but when one person speaks it, you finally hear it. You actually stop to breath, and it feels so fresh. It puts things into perspective again. That happened today. So that coupled with what I have and haven’t been doing brings a welcomed collision.
What I haven’t been doing is finishing some projects I started, but that did give me time to take the time to review what I have been doing with my designs and some other things I could be doing. So that got me started.
I have been busy coming up with some new designs and was in the process of putting products on the site when the server crashed. I did get a few items up but not what I really wanted because I didn’t have the images in my basket on the site yet.
So I’m actually pecking this out instead doing that. But this is one of those things I haven’t been doing and has bothered me more than I should have let it. One of those things that I have struggled with the past few weeks. I haven’t felt like writing or doing much of anything on the social network (which I have trouble with anyway), discouragement settling in and getting a pretty good grip.
Then out of nowhere, the words come to light and they shook me. A much needed breath of fresh air. So thankful that it finally clicked. It just took one.
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I Found Myself In Thought
I finally got around to making it comfortable to work outside. The shade and the breeze are soothing. TheWife was off Wednesday and ‘reminded me’ that it would be a good idea to put the umbrella up. We have a dining room table that’s been around since we’ve been married….well after we got our first apartment…..anyway, I digress ; the only thing I had to do was to drill the hole and set the umbrella. We had chairs but the table is the only thing that survived, but these will do for now.
Now I’m outside and I realized my thoughts spanned several years of my life. A couple of days ago I was thinking of “the thought that kept driving me to do better than where I am” at any given moment in my life, that is what I want to do. Strive to do better, even when others see it as just someone else with a dream. The driving force in this particular thought stems from my tenure as an Autoglass Technician. When I first got into installing, it was a new adventure…learning, hands on, making decisions, getting things done under, at times almost impossible circumstances. Sure there were lots of times when a call was necessary but for the most part it was if I was my own company.
So over the years I made manager and this was a whole new ballgame. I felt as if I was fed to the wolves. I was a ‘working manager’ and many aspects of the job were never taught…yeah you know, on the managing end. Of course I was to ‘pick up on this part’ in between installs. It was almost a torturous number of years. So when that didn’t work, I was offered a tech job….that’s pretty much what they all do when you don’t work out as a manager….unless you really screwed up bad.
Besides my drive to want a better life for myself and my family, I scoped the ranks of the technician pool and I didn’t want to be one of those who has toiled and labored for years on end and then retire as a tech. I saw the battered bodies and frustrated minds….but I kept listening to the promise of opportunity…even with another company….and there too, the years of labor taking its toll on the seniors of the tech pool….realizing, if I stayed the course, I would be one of them.
I’m no better than any of them, but I finally chose to pull myself away from that table, and let the plate fall to its breaking….while I still have the drive and desire to fulfill accomplishments.
Now I turn my attention to other tables to see what feasts or spoils await.
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I Needed Wheels
To continue from my previous post, there is one thing that I do miss about my job and that is I didn’t have to worry about transportation. We were allowed to drive the vans home after we were finished for the day; that was a big savings in fuel costs, maintenance costs and insurance costs I didn’t have to worry about.
So now I was in need of some wheels. My first thought was what I would be doing and what type of vehicle would best suit the purpose. I already knew what I wanted and needed but I had to go through the routine because it wasn’t just about me and what I needed it for. Price of course comes into play because the funds are very limited so I had to stay within that certain range. Something that would get decent gas mileage which would have to be a car, but would be too small in the long run. I started looking at mini vans and suvs while still looking at cars. As it turned out, the prices for cars were about the same or higher than the vans, so that’s where I turned all of my focus although I did test drive a mini van or two.
I’ve always liked older cars, not sure why. Maybe it’s because I can work on some of the problems that may arise on my own.
What I really wanted was an older Chevy van. Back in the early ninety’s I had a 1977 Chevy van. We loved that van; it had four captains chairs and an area in the back with a table that transformed into a bed if you would. The seating area around the table was in a U shape and lifting the table top off of its post and laying it into the U opening would give you a bed.
I like vans because they are versatile such as bad weather when you need to haul something. So I come across an ad for a 93 Chevy van, must see the add said. I pass it up. I was about $500.00 more than what I wanted to spend. I continue shopping and begin to get more and more frustrated. Days turn into a week and then more. The van is still on the market with a price drop….hmmmm. This looks promising. I decided to rent a car for two days because it’s crunch time and my timeline is slowly dissipating; the longer I have the money, the more chances it will also shrink.
I drive onto the lot looking for the van as I pull in, I spot it. After parking I get out and walk straight to it. It’s clean and no dents, but it’s a window van….ugh! I like vans but window vans are not on my list of favorites. I ask for the key and it fires right up. There is nothing inside but two front seats. It has air, I check it and it’s cold….looking better….I look it over inside and spotless is how to describe it. For a van this old I was expecting some damages, but nothing major that I could see.
Now it’s time to negotiate. I knew coming in I was $200.00 short of the new price but I go for it. He said he would have to make a phone call and…bingo! I get it for $600.00 less than the original advertised price!
I know you’re thinking I now have an extra $600.00 to work with….not so….remember when I said that I came with a couple hundred less than what they wanted for the van?….yes, the funds had already began to shrink due to odds and ends popping up.
But I have my van!
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The Journey
Life is unpleasant though pleasant
The traveled roads are obscure
The hills and valleys beauty
Lend their purpose and fulfill
We tend to wonder at times
Traveling onward and on
Passively aggressive and mild
So tedious the brain is the mind
Push and shove duck and dodge
Make way and clear the roads
Though futile it seems
Moving that in the way
Thinking it done but finished not
Cause the roads clearing is naught
For now we dig and probe the things
That take the place of before
Hours work is evermore endless
As we journey through live
Nostrils filled with sweet stench
For the roads of life lingers on
This is linked to Jingle Poetry At The Gooseberry Garden
Poetry Picnic Week 24
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What Is The Right Thing To Do?
Our internet service went down last night and was restored a couple of hours ago. After the restoration, I really noticed how much email I had accumulated and decided to clean house. While going through my two major accounts it came very clear to me how different things are for me right now. One of the accounts showed me how much I had strayed away from poetry and the online friends I was beginning to become acquainted with. Not only that but a couple of blogs I was reading on a regular basis.
As I continued through the old mail, the dates brought to mind what I had already remembered long before starting this venture. The 1 year anniversary of my oldest brother’s passing. I called my mom and talked to her for awhile and that made me remember even more how much I miss him. It was good to hear my mom’s voice…still strong in my ear….realizing how much I miss her too.
Events in life never stop…they keep coming. How they affect us and how we choose to deal with them rest solely on our individual shoulders. Deleting those old emails did bring back memories but they also triggered a need….no….a desire to restore what I miss about me. Even though you may not have heard from me as much as before, I have not been idle. Changes have been taking place and the journey continues.
Eliminating that which hinders us sometimes may not seem the right thing to do in the eyes of others, but others don’t have to live our lives. Remembering is not always a good thing, but forgetting can sometimes be the wrong thing to do. How we handle these rest solely on our individual shoulders.
Time doesn’t stop, events continue to happen and changes do take their place. We must also take our spot and do what is right for us…even if others may think it foolish…they do not live our lives…and we don’t live theirs.
Making decisions are all a part of the journey and they have to be made…good or bad, right or wrong.
Whatr U Workin On 