Archive for the ‘direction’ Category
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about many different things. Some of it making me very angry, some making me think even more, some giving me feelings of despair, and some giving me answers.
Today is not as busy as it was yesterday. I was able to get some things done online that I had on the table. I have been in my ‘design studio’ making some changes. I think I’m going to make a broad change on some designs and take some off the board altogether….although TheQuesMark will still remain the focal point.
I have decided…at the last minute…to transfer my domain, WhatrUWorkinOn.com to WordPress.
Overall I think the switch will be better than I realize. This gives me a bit more flexibility with all that I have planned.
I will be updating the site over time and will also be introducing services I will have available locally…here in the Norfolk and Virginia Beach area…and also online with my CafePress Store.
The WordPress blog Reggie’s Thinking, was primarily used for poetry which will redirect back to WhatrUWorkinOn.com
That’s about it for now….by the way, I’ll have pic of the new place soon.
Our internet service went down last night and was restored a couple of hours ago. After the restoration, I really noticed how much email I had accumulated and decided to clean house. While going through my two major accounts it came very clear to me how different things are for me right now. One of the accounts showed me how much I had strayed away from poetry and the online friends I was beginning to become acquainted with. Not only that but a couple of blogs I was reading on a regular basis.
As I continued through the old mail, the dates brought to mind what I had already remembered long before starting this venture. The 1 year anniversary of my oldest brother’s passing. I called my mom and talked to her for awhile and that made me remember even more how much I miss him. It was good to hear my mom’s voice…still strong in my ear….realizing how much I miss her too.
Events in life never stop…they keep coming. How they affect us and how we choose to deal with them rest solely on our individual shoulders. Deleting those old emails did bring back memories but they also triggered a need….no….a desire to restore what I miss about me. Even though you may not have heard from me as much as before, I have not been idle. Changes have been taking place and the journey continues.
Eliminating that which hinders us sometimes may not seem the right thing to do in the eyes of others, but others don’t have to live our lives. Remembering is not always a good thing, but forgetting can sometimes be the wrong thing to do. How we handle these rest solely on our individual shoulders.
Time doesn’t stop, events continue to happen and changes do take their place. We must also take our spot and do what is right for us…even if others may think it foolish…they do not live our lives…and we don’t live theirs.
Making decisions are all a part of the journey and they have to be made…good or bad, right or wrong.
Difficulties in life can weigh heavily on the mind, body, spirit, and soul of anyone. For me it has been to the point of emotional drainage. Dealing with these and coming to grips has undoubtedly taken its toll but has not destroyed me although at times I have felt as if they have.
I have always been a firm believer in God although I have not been in His presence the way I once was and I’m sure that is one reason for my present state of being. Prayer has made its way back into my life and is making a big difference.
Many years ago when I was a member of New Life Worship Center, I prayed oh so many times about my marriage and how I so desired to have a loving relationship with TheWife again. When we first met, things were everything I wanted in a relationship, but that changed after we got married. We still had good times and I’m sure many can relate how changes take place after years of being together, but I also know that this in not the norm in many cases. Many people knew of my dilemma and I’m sure countless prayers went out on our behalf.
I am an emotional, caring and sensitive person. Passion is strong in my being. I so desired to have these a part of my marriage but it was not to be and I wondered if I would ever rekindle these in the marriage. I tried talking and doing whatever I could to have my prayers answered because I knew that praying alone would not bring this to fruition. After years of emptiness I gave up and realized I was not going to have the answer I was seeking. I was bitter. Not at God, because I knew that all prayer does not bring the answer we are looking for. I was bitter at TheWife. I wondered why she chose to take the route she did in not trying to keep any kind of passion between us. I was truly perplexed. What puzzled me during our time in church was the fact that she began to give me the impression that because we were in church, it was wrong to have sexual thoughts and desires. For example, if we were watching a movie that had sex scenes, she would make comments about how disgusting it was….what?! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I talked to her countless times but without success. It was as if she felt because she was in church it was taboo to even think that way. Sure we had what she thought was sex every now and again but far from what even came close to satisfying my needs. After awhile I felt it was pointless and made me feel even more despondent.
I know that it is not unusual for some people to lose there sex drive but I don’t feel that was the case here. My thoughts were and still are today that she just didn’t want to have sex with me, she kept me at arms length so as NOT to have that in our marriage. Why? I have a few guesses as to why (maybe in part 3?).
I can’t remember the last time we had a long passionate kiss or loving embrace. My heart weighs heavy and I’m sure you may be wondering why in the world would I stay in a situation like this and I wonder also.
When we got back together, I thought things would be better than they were before and that we would have a relationship that would resemble anything close to what I dream of. She seems to be content with the way things are and would be happy to have a sexless, passionless life together. I’m far from being dead in body, mind, spirit and desires of the heart. I want and need to have the touch of a woman that would take my breath away. I long to have my ear nibbled. I want to have a woman’s hand to momentarily stroke or squeeze my butt to let me know that I still have it goin’ on. When I look in the mirror I see a man… a real man….not out of shape. Sure I’ve aged but at almost 58 years old, still desirable.
I’m not bitter at God, but I have asked…why Lord? What have I done to deserve this emptiness?
I’m sure you can tell in my comments lately concerning TheWife that I’m not happy and I seem to be bashing her but I also know that it is and has been up to me to do something about it. Saying that, I have to say this….because I believe in God, I also believe in the vows I took when I got married. I believe in family. But I also believe I deserve better because I gave my all.
Is this what I get for being such a caring person?….
I know some of you say…fool…what are you still doing there? I have asked that same question.
Lord, I know you are able to change anything and I also know that sometimes the answer is no….what to do….what to do.
It’s hard to believe it’s been over a month since my last post. Hmmmm….it takes me back to a time when I said I wouldn’t allow myself to have long lapses between posts….i guess I was wrong.
I’m sort of mixed concerning how I feel about going so long without a post. Actually, I have a couple in draft that I probably won’t post…I was venting very heavily. I also wrote a poem…in draft…also venting. Doing that has helped me to deal with a few things. All of this happening while I was busy getting designs done and uploaded to my new online store, Designs by Reglandus.
It is a lot of work coming up with designs and getting them on the site…more work than I originally thought it would be. But you know what?….I’m really lovin’ it. Sometimes I’ll spend hours tweaking a design and even after it’s uploaded I may make a change or two like I did with this one.
After uploading the first design, I noticed the text seemed to be too small and TheQuesMark was ok but I decided to “chain” it and as you can see, I wanted to add some oomph! I think moving the lower arrow to the front added depth to the entire design. I’m still currently replacing the old design with the new one on the website.
I also have freehand designs that I mess around with. Currently, the design at the top (below) is on the website in a different color and the one below that is also there in a different flavor.
I have several designs in different colors and other stuff that I have yet to upload. I could upload what I have so far and let it ride, but new ideas keep coming and I keep going at it.
As far as blogging goes, I’m making no promises but I have missed this….more than I realize.
There once was a time when I was firm in what I believe in….I still do but it seems as if the conviction has been missing.
Yesterday I was sent to a man, or a man sent to me. He is a young man under 30 years of age and going places. He was a Art teacher in I believe he said High School. I told him he looked like he was supposed to be sitting in class taking lessons himself instead of teaching them.
The path he had chosen for himself, concerning artwork did not change, but took a different turn. He was fortunate enough to have someone suggest to him that he should pursue tattooing after they saw his work. I think that started while he was teaching.
As I listened to him, I was feeling a spark…a renewing…refreshed. It was this young man who ignited the flame that I thought was burning. Listening to his story was invigorating and hopeful. I hadn’t realized how much I had receded from my original goals. Sure I have had some life changing experiences and I have struggled but before I met this young man, I thought I had been bitten by a revived spirit. Just goes to show how deep some wounds can be as they truly will take time to heal.
My faith in God has never wavered and I have been prayerful. I’m thankful for this answered prayer, coming from a stranger, a young man blessed himself with an opportunity which has blossomed….a story to tell.
His name is Marshall Sinclair and here is his website www.marshallsinclair.com. He said they never duplicate a tattoo. He showed me a picture of one he had done the night before…it was fantastic!….he really is a good artist. I wish him much success.
One thing for sure….you never know when, where, what, or who, God will send in answer to prayer….you just never know….
Where do I go from here?
Which door should I open?
Are new goals in order?
Answering the first question, I say that I stay the path that I have planned thus far. I will soon be back on the path to designing and hopefully have products up for sale soon. Sweet!
The answer to the second question spans across the uncertainty of life itself. I would have to say that to know which door will be opened is to know the future. Predictions can be fun and it is a guess as to what is going to happen at any given moment. Life.
New goals are definitely on the horizon. I have ideas that are popping like corn in a kettle over an open flame. Yummy!
When was the last time I told you that I’m lovin’ life.
I have missed two consecutive weeks of not posting my WhatrUWorkinOn meme. I have pretty much destroyed my 30 day blog challenge. I’m in, I’m out. I’m hot, I’m cold.
I’m driving myself crazy trying to stay consistent, or to even come close to resembling someone who means what he says. At times I feel as if I have given up…but I’m not a quitter.
I want to bury my head in the sand to avoid whatever it is that hangs over me. I want to soak up the sunshine and walk in cool grass as the blades slice between my toes.
I want to take my fists and pound them into a wall until it begins to crumble before me or until my hands are bloodied or broken. I want to hear the sound of the sea’s waves washing onto the beach or splashing against the rocks.
This is such a sad state to be in…I’m tired of it and I’m sure you are not enjoying this yourself….what to do…what to do.
I guess I’ll have to keep plugging away and striving forward…I mean, this can’t last much longer…could it?
Anybody out there want to do a trade off? Just kidding….I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
It’s not ALL bad. I do have continued chances to turn this around….I wake up everyday and I’m thankful for that.