See Things For What They Can Be

Archive for the ‘emotions’ Category

Where Art Thou?

Findest thine the soul of self
Buried in dept of solitudes
Where thou art in peace of mind
Tranquil to heart’s beat to life

The somber breeze passes not
Yet restest upon thine being
As forest’s leaves sing praise
Symphonic in combined pieces

From the moon to stars
The outers of space
Crickets chirp to night’s delight
To darkness that is truly not

Ocean’s seas pondereth waves
To orchestrate a solstice peace
Yet another player for thine
To bury thyself in solitudes grace

Advertisement

Category:

emotions, God, Poetry

Tagged with:

My Heart Did Beat

From the very beginning unbeknownst to me

My heart was cheated, my mind dashed to shreds

I knew not at all, unseen as the ghost

Your words spoken, time over time over time

My heart did beat for want of love, it did

My soul did swim in fields of dreams

It swam to the beat of love’s deceit

Dauntingly you preyed on innocence

 Stripping the heart that stood before you, over time

You cared only for you, loving only you

Taking my heart’s beat, for love, my soul

Your eyes did hide intent to bare

Unloving kindness, you beast!

I saw not over time what you were

Who you are

For my heart did beat for love

Your lies graced my being, tarnished my soul

The air about filled with your stink of deception

Time over time, you unruly beast stayed

Because my heart did beat for love

Whispers tickled, reaching deep within

My mind swirled in dreams to the beat

Deep to the beat of wanting, not knowing

Your true intent to think only of you

How I wonder, could this be so long

Time over time, in this space of time

I missed the hint as it fluttered by

Was it my choosing to do so indeed?

I am now a shell of what I am, a hollowed frame

Stripped to the core, my now mindless soul

Empty, but wanting to feel

Love’s true beat in this heart stained blue

Each beat now aches with painful beats

Echoes through a loveless soul

You have taken, never given to me

My need to feel, to know the love

My soul hungered for, years over time

You slothful beast uncaring in greed

To be who you are, to have no soul

Go away! Come to me!

For my heart wants to beat for love

My Signature

Category:

emotions, feelings, heart, love, Poems

Tagged with:

DMV Time

It’s the end of the month and that time has come

Registration renewal, DMV was packed and them some

I walked on in and hung my head to the floor

The first stop was a line stretched back to the door

The information desk I go, to say why I’m there

That was done quickly, without much despair

I received my number, found my way to a seat

Took out my PSP, played games with a beat

Every now and again, lifting my head to look around

So many faces…some smiles, but more with a frown

Time ticked away, from beginning to an hour

Quiet it was…children there, but not one scour

Not long past the hour, my number is called

Strolled I to the counter, not in the least appalled

The time with the agent was done very fast

On my way out the door, DMV time was past

Out Of Place

Category:

driving, emotions, games, Poems

Tagged with:

No Denial

Not sure where to start after about a month and a half of silence. I won’t deny that I have been out of the loop in many ways for various reasons. While I’m driving during the day, so much is on my mind and some of it takes me on a journey of wonderment. 


I look at the positives that are in my life but the things that go wrong, often overshadow any good that surfaces. I won’t crawl into a shell and become nonexistent or downtrodden, but I do have a tendency to get quiet.

Many of you know that I lost my oldest brother to prostate cancer a couple of years ago. My second oldest brother lost his battle in the same way this past February. I think about my mom and how hard this must be for her losing her two oldest in this way. I have been remembering things my brother Ray (recently past) had talked to me about over the years. One thing comes to mind that we both wished we could have done, but the funds just wasn’t there. I think I was about 17 maybe 18 years old and he said that the price of gasoline was going to rise drastically in the future. At that time, it was unheard of. We were enjoying gas prices well under a dollar per gallon, cigarettes were also less that a dollar a pack. He said that if I could, to put money into oil stock…that was good advice I didn’t or couldn’t follow up on.

Even though I didn’t talk to my brothers on a regular basis while they were here, I do miss them.

There have been other issues that have taken their toll on my mind and I do feel drained emotionally.

Attempts at getting back to a regular routine has proven to be difficult for me, but it will happen. I look to God for strength and endurance….I can’t do it without Him. 

Here’s to moving on and hanging tough.


    

    

Category:

children, death, emotions, God, life, memories, moving on, remember, strength

A LOT Of Thinking

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about many different things. Some of it making me very angry, some making me think even more, some giving me feelings of despair, and some giving me answers. 

Early in my life, I had been taught to take responsibility for what I do and I have done that for the most part. I am far from being anywhere near perfect and I acknowledge that. I have made many mistakes that I take the blame for. I hurt when I hurt others.

When others make mistakes that affect me, I try to remember that they too are human and mistakes happen. But when the same types of mistakes happen on a consistent basis I have a problem with that. I know we are suppose to forgive, but the Lord knows I have trouble with consistent mistakes. When and where is the line drawn? I know too we are to forgive at all times.

In this skin that is humanity, it is very difficult…all too easy to hate those that do these things to us. But in the end, it is I who will suffer because of not forgiving. I will be the one whose bones will ache and drawn into a state of depression and despair. It is my mind that will be filled with bitterness that is best used for the betterment of my life and for those around me while they that choose to live a life of doing what they do continue to do what they do, whether knowingly or not. 

The importance of forgiving is just that…very important. The effects of harboring unforgiving thoughts is far more damaging than one can imagine. It has no benefits that will be good for me. 

I am really struggling at the moment and I know I need to turn this around. I need to stop looking at what has happened over the past few years and move on. I have a lot of positive things going on and I am thankful for that.

Humility is hard to swallow. Perfection was given only to the one true God and He said that we are to forgive because He knows that if we don’t…it is we who will suffer…and we are to leave the rest to Him. 


Category:

achievements, challenges, change, concentrate, decisions, determination, direction, education, emotions, focus, God, grow, human nature, lessons, life, moving on, thankful, thoughts, world class

It’s Always Good

Tomorrow is TheWife’s birthday and she had the day off from work today wanted to spend it with TheGrands and Darcel to celebrate. 
when we got there, we were greeted with hugs. 

After awhile we went to ‘the beach’…it’s not really a beach but a place where you can be close to the water and enjoy some ‘quiet time’…except for the cars and trucks zooming by on the freeway. If you zone yourself, you don’t even notice the sounds….and the kids love it.

 

My knee was bothering me so I couldn’t do much walking and stayed behind while they walked ahead.

There is an area for sitting and it also has a bell and a plaque. Some of the bricks honors cancer survivors, those who lost the fight and family members giving them remembrance. 

It’s called “Mary Ellen’s Bell”. After I took the pictures, I rang the bell and remembered my dad and my brother. The emotions that flooded me caught me by surprise in a way…I sat in silence and read the names and comments by others that were beneath my feet on the commemorative bricks of the survivors and loved ones who lost their beloved.

Sitting there gives relevance to the time we have to spend with the ones we love.
TheWife was really happy and the kids had a good time. It had been awhile since they saw UncleR.

I know I don’t always say how much I appreciate these moments, but it is always good to see them and spend time with them. I love to see the pictures Darcel and Charles post in blogs and on Facebook…miles and miles of smiles.


Category:

#My3Grands, beach, birthday, daughter, emotions, family, fun, good times, grandchildren, happy, Mamaw, TheWife, UncleR

It Just Takes One

It’s funny sometimes how things work out or just plain Divine intervention…a wake up so to speak. Any number of people can tell you the same thing over time but when one person speaks it, you finally hear it. You actually stop to breath, and it feels so fresh. It puts things into perspective again. That happened today. So that coupled with what I have and haven’t been doing brings a welcomed collision. 

What I haven’t been doing is finishing some projects I started, but that did give me time to take the time to review what I have been doing with my designs and some other things I could be doing. So that got me started.

I have been busy coming up with some new designs and was in the process of putting products on the site when the server crashed. I did get a few items up but not what I really wanted because I didn’t have the images in my basket on the site yet. 

So I’m actually pecking this out instead doing that. But this is one of those things I haven’t been doing and has bothered me more than I should have let it. One of those things that I have struggled with the past few weeks. I haven’t felt like writing or doing much of anything on the social network (which I have trouble with anyway), discouragement settling in and getting a pretty good grip.

Then out of nowhere, the words come to light and they shook me. A much needed breath of fresh air. So thankful that it finally clicked. It just took one.



Category:

#whatruworkinon, achievements, comfort, concentrate, crafts, decisions, design, education, emotions, graphic art designs, learn, lessons, life, world class, writing

They’re All Miracles

Welcome to the Second Edition of the  Black Birth Carnival. Hosted by Darcel of The Mahogany Way Birth Cafe and Nicole of Musings From The Mind of Sista Midwife.
The Topic: Not Without Our Fathers. So often we talk birth in women circles. We celebrate birth within the feminine community and forget that without the fathers our birth experiences would be non existent. June 17th marks the day many will celebrate fathers in this country. With that in mind we came up with our topic for this installment of the Black Birth Blog Carnival.
This post you will be updated with live links by Noon, linking back to the other participants posts.


I don’t know what the stats are for men of color to be present when their children are born, but I for one wouldn’t trade that for anything. It is definitely life changing. 

I remember when TheWife was in labor at the hospital with Darcel. We didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl. I didn’t know if I was going into the delivery room or not. We didn’t attend any of those Lamaze classes (heck, I don’t know if they had them back then). So it’s time for her to go in and it wasn’t until then I was told to get myself ready. I’m in there nervous and ready. TheWife was in labor for hours so it wasn’t very long after, Darcel was born into this world. I was soooo happy and all smiles….I was so up there I knew then that as a man, that was the ultimate human experience. You see firsthand and robe yourself in as close a birth experience without giving birth, that you will have for the rest of your life. You see what the woman in your life goes through ….I can only imagine how home birth fathers can put into words their experiences.


Now Reg was a totally different experience. Apparently TheWife and her grandmother had made plans for the labor time at the hospital to be minimal…without telling me. I knew it was time for us to leave and couldn’t figure out what in the world they were waiting for. Her grandmother finally says it’s time to go. I’m driving like all get out but don’t take the freeway because it’s late with hardly any traffic. I keep checking on her to make sure everything is ok. We’re just about there and I could almost tell by the way she was positioning herself in the seat that things were getting or had already gotten to the point of, we really need to be at the hospital. I miss the turn into the parking lot, get it turned around and she says she’s not going to be able to go in so I run in and tell them my wife is having a baby and I remember a nurse getting a wheelchair and I told her it was beyond that. Before you know it my car is almost surrounded….next thing I know, Reg is born. I didn’t get to see his birth, (I was crowded out) but it was an experience I will never forget.

Experiencing child birth up close doesn’t stop with mine…I have had the pleasure to be there with two of My3Grands. Kiah was the first and Samuel was the third. Although I wasn’t there for Ava’s birth I still feel as if I was a part of it because TheWife and I were watching Kiah during Ava’s home birth. We got updates by phone from DaddyCharles. When we got the ok to come to there place, it still felt magical….like we were there the whole time.


I’m not sure if I captured the moments in words, what I had experienced with these five loving souls that are in my life. I don’t know if I am a different person versus not having the experience of child birth, but there is one thing I know for certain….the sounds of a woman struggling through the stages of labor, into giving birth….the sounds of a baby’s first cry, the sounds of joy expressed by all….can never be taken away….they are all miracles.



Please take the time to read and comment on the other participants posts. Shahmet at Adia Publishing: A Father Before Birth Reggie at WhatrUWorkinon?: They’re All Miracles Nicole at Musings From The Mind of Sista Midwife: #BlackBirth Not Without Our Fathers Darcel at The Mahogany Way Birth Cafe: Are Men at Birth Important? Alexis at The Ivy Expansion: A Fathers Love Mavhu at F.W. Hargrove: I Birth At Home Twitter Hashtag #BlackBirth

Category:

#BlackBirth, Black Birth, child birth, daughter, emotions, family, feelings, grandchildren, home birth, memories, men crying, son, thoughts

Here’s The Revised Edition

I wasn’t able to sit and work on my new video like I thought I would but I finally got it finished tonight and although it still isn’t what I really wanted concerning the speed of the heart growing, I’m happy with the video. 


The border in the image is my own hand doodle design in 3D of course. You’ll be seeing more of those. 


I had new ideas come to me while finishing this one and I’m gonna get busy starting it before I turn in.


I hope you enjoy the video…..and the audio is my own mix.







Category:

#whatruworkinon, #workinon, about me, bottomless heart, close, comfort, crafts, design, emotions, good times, music, WhatrUWorkinOn?

Let Me Explain: Part 2

Difficulties in life can weigh heavily on the mind, body, spirit, and soul of anyone. For me it has been to the point of emotional drainage. Dealing with these and coming to grips has undoubtedly taken its toll but has not destroyed me although at times I have felt as if they have. 


I have always been a firm believer in God although I have not been in His presence the way I once was and I’m sure that is one reason for my present state of being. Prayer has made its way back into my life and is making a big difference. 


Many years ago when I was a member of New Life Worship Center, I prayed oh so many times about my marriage and how I so desired to have a loving relationship with TheWife again. When we first met, things were everything I wanted in a relationship, but that changed after we got married. We still had good times and I’m sure many can relate how changes take place after years of being together, but I also know that this in not the norm in many cases. Many people knew of my dilemma and I’m sure countless prayers went out on our behalf. 


I am an emotional, caring and sensitive person. Passion is strong in my being. I so desired to have these a part of my marriage but it was not to be and I wondered if I would ever rekindle these in the marriage. I tried talking and doing whatever I could to have my prayers answered because I knew that praying alone would not bring this to fruition. After years of emptiness I gave up and realized I was not going to have the answer I was seeking. I was bitter. Not at God, because I knew that all prayer does not bring the answer we are looking for. I was bitter at TheWife. I wondered why she chose to take the route she did in not trying to keep any kind of passion between us. I was truly perplexed. What puzzled me during our time in church was the fact that she began to give me the impression that because we were in church, it was wrong to have sexual thoughts and desires. For example, if we were watching a movie that had sex scenes, she would make comments about how disgusting it was….what?! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I talked to her countless times but without success. It was as if she felt because she was in church it was taboo to even think that way. Sure we had what she thought was sex every now and again but far from what even came close to satisfying my needs. After awhile I felt it was pointless and made me feel even more despondent. 


I know that it is not unusual for some people to lose there sex drive but I don’t feel that was the case here. My thoughts were and still are today that she just didn’t want to have sex with me, she kept me at arms length so as NOT to have that in our marriage. Why? I have a few guesses as to why (maybe in part 3?). 


I can’t remember the last time we had a long passionate kiss or loving embrace. My heart weighs heavy and I’m sure you may be wondering why in the world would I stay in a situation like this and I wonder also.


When we got back together, I thought things would be better than they were before and that we would have a relationship that would resemble anything close to what I dream of. She seems to be content with the way things are and would be happy to have a sexless, passionless life together. I’m far from being dead in body, mind, spirit and desires of the heart. I want and need to have the touch of a woman that would take my breath away. I long to have my ear nibbled. I want to have a woman’s hand to momentarily stroke or squeeze my butt to let me know that I still have it goin’ on. When I look in the mirror I see a man… a real man….not out of shape. Sure I’ve aged but at almost 58 years old, still desirable.


I’m not bitter at God, but I have asked…why Lord? What have I done to deserve this emptiness?


I’m sure you can tell in my comments lately concerning TheWife that I’m not happy and I seem to be bashing her but I also know that it is and has been up to me to do something about it. Saying that, I have to say this….because I believe in God, I also believe in the vows I took when I got married. I believe in family. But I also believe I deserve better because I gave my all.


Is this what I get for being such a caring person?….


I know some of you say…fool…what are you still doing there? I have asked that same question. 


Lord, I know you are able to change anything and I also know that sometimes the answer is no….what to do….what to do.         

Category:

about me, angry, challenges, change, church, decisions, direction, emotions, God, good times, human nature, kiss, learn, lessons, life, prayer, relationships, TheWife

%d bloggers like this: