I have been wanting to post for a few days now and I have talked myself out of it several times. No, this won’t be a boo hoo, sad sob post, but an acknowledgement. One that I have known for as long as I can remember. It’s in the title of the post.
As an example.
On some of my morning walks, I walk past a construction site. Right around Thanksgiving, I’m walking and look up and noticed pumpkins on top of a hill. The type of hill that is formed at a lot of sites as they move soil in preparation for the work, or soil that is hauled in.
Now, for one of the things I’m really bad at, not capturing the moment, I smiled and kept walking and for several days since. But as December rolled in, something must have dropped on my head because I took a couple photos.
It seems different now than when I first spotted them up there and could be why I’ve talked myself out of writing the post. But what I find more intriguing is the fact that either these construction workers put them up there or someone else did and they are still there.
In the end, it’s really nothing but pumpkins on a hill at a construction site. But at the same time, it really is…something.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about many different things. Some of it making me very angry, some making me think even more, some giving me feelings of despair, and some giving me answers.
Early in my life, I had been taught to take responsibility for what I do and I have done that for the most part. I am far from being anywhere near perfect and I acknowledge that. I have made many mistakes that I take the blame for. I hurt when I hurt others.
When others make mistakes that affect me, I try to remember that they too are human and mistakes happen. But when the same types of mistakes happen on a consistent basis I have a problem with that. I know we are suppose to forgive, but the Lord knows I have trouble with consistent mistakes. When and where is the line drawn? I know too we are to forgive at all times.
In this skin that is humanity, it is very difficult…all too easy to hate those that do these things to us. But in the end, it is I who will suffer because of not forgiving. I will be the one whose bones will ache and drawn into a state of depression and despair. It is my mind that will be filled with bitterness that is best used for the betterment of my life and for those around me while they that choose to live a life of doing what they do continue to do what they do, whether knowingly or not.
The importance of forgiving is just that…very important. The effects of harboring unforgiving thoughts is far more damaging than one can imagine. It has no benefits that will be good for me.
I am really struggling at the moment and I know I need to turn this around. I need to stop looking at what has happened over the past few years and move on. I have a lot of positive things going on and I am thankful for that.
Humility is hard to swallow. Perfection was given only to the one true God and He said that we are to forgive because He knows that if we don’t…it is we who will suffer…and we are to leave the rest to Him.
I may have spoken too soon when I mentioned how bad it wasn’t here, concerning Hurricane Sandy….not thinking about what may happen elsewhere. It began to unfold as I got bits and pieces of what was happening north of us while I was at work today. As I sit here watching the news, the devastation is coming to light. I almost feel as if I was being selfish, but I posted that before the northern portion of our area had been hit. Still for me, it doesn’t lessen the blow. The loss of life and property is mounting and so does my feelings of being an idiot. Lessons are learned in so many different ways. I wish I didn’t have to learn this one. My thoughts and prayers go out to the families who have lost loved ones and to the survivors who will recover from this change that has taken hold of their lives.
Our internet service went down last night and was restored a couple of hours ago. After the restoration, I really noticed how much email I had accumulated and decided to clean house. While going through my two major accounts it came very clear to me how different things are for me right now. One of the accounts showed me how much I had strayed away from poetry and the online friends I was beginning to become acquainted with. Not only that but a couple of blogs I was reading on a regular basis.
As I continued through the old mail, the dates brought to mind what I had already remembered long before starting this venture. The 1 year anniversary of my oldest brother’s passing. I called my mom and talked to her for awhile and that made me remember even more how much I miss him. It was good to hear my mom’s voice…still strong in my ear….realizing how much I miss her too.
Events in life never stop…they keep coming. How they affect us and how we choose to deal with them rest solely on our individual shoulders. Deleting those old emails did bring back memories but they also triggered a need….no….a desire to restore what I miss about me. Even though you may not have heard from me as much as before, I have not been idle. Changes have been taking place and the journey continues.
Eliminating that which hinders us sometimes may not seem the right thing to do in the eyes of others, but others don’t have to live our lives. Remembering is not always a good thing, but forgetting can sometimes be the wrong thing to do. How we handle these rest solely on our individual shoulders.
Time doesn’t stop, events continue to happen and changes do take their place. We must also take our spot and do what is right for us…even if others may think it foolish…they do not live our lives…and we don’t live theirs.
Making decisions are all a part of the journey and they have to be made…good or bad, right or wrong.
Difficulties in life can weigh heavily on the mind, body, spirit, and soul of anyone. For me it has been to the point of emotional drainage. Dealing with these and coming to grips has undoubtedly taken its toll but has not destroyed me although at times I have felt as if they have.
I have always been a firm believer in God although I have not been in His presence the way I once was and I’m sure that is one reason for my present state of being. Prayer has made its way back into my life and is making a big difference.
Many years ago when I was a member of New Life Worship Center, I prayed oh so many times about my marriage and how I so desired to have a loving relationship with TheWife again. When we first met, things were everything I wanted in a relationship, but that changed after we got married. We still had good times and I’m sure many can relate how changes take place after years of being together, but I also know that this in not the norm in many cases. Many people knew of my dilemma and I’m sure countless prayers went out on our behalf.
I am an emotional, caring and sensitive person. Passion is strong in my being. I so desired to have these a part of my marriage but it was not to be and I wondered if I would ever rekindle these in the marriage. I tried talking and doing whatever I could to have my prayers answered because I knew that praying alone would not bring this to fruition. After years of emptiness I gave up and realized I was not going to have the answer I was seeking. I was bitter. Not at God, because I knew that all prayer does not bring the answer we are looking for. I was bitter at TheWife. I wondered why she chose to take the route she did in not trying to keep any kind of passion between us. I was truly perplexed. What puzzled me during our time in church was the fact that she began to give me the impression that because we were in church, it was wrong to have sexual thoughts and desires. For example, if we were watching a movie that had sex scenes, she would make comments about how disgusting it was….what?! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I talked to her countless times but without success. It was as if she felt because she was in church it was taboo to even think that way. Sure we had what she thought was sex every now and again but far from what even came close to satisfying my needs. After awhile I felt it was pointless and made me feel even more despondent.
I know that it is not unusual for some people to lose there sex drive but I don’t feel that was the case here. My thoughts were and still are today that she just didn’t want to have sex with me, she kept me at arms length so as NOT to have that in our marriage. Why? I have a few guesses as to why (maybe in part 3?).
I can’t remember the last time we had a long passionate kiss or loving embrace. My heart weighs heavy and I’m sure you may be wondering why in the world would I stay in a situation like this and I wonder also.
When we got back together, I thought things would be better than they were before and that we would have a relationship that would resemble anything close to what I dream of. She seems to be content with the way things are and would be happy to have a sexless, passionless life together. I’m far from being dead in body, mind, spirit and desires of the heart. I want and need to have the touch of a woman that would take my breath away. I long to have my ear nibbled. I want to have a woman’s hand to momentarily stroke or squeeze my butt to let me know that I still have it goin’ on. When I look in the mirror I see a man… a real man….not out of shape. Sure I’ve aged but at almost 58 years old, still desirable.
I’m not bitter at God, but I have asked…why Lord? What have I done to deserve this emptiness?
I’m sure you can tell in my comments lately concerning TheWife that I’m not happy and I seem to be bashing her but I also know that it is and has been up to me to do something about it. Saying that, I have to say this….because I believe in God, I also believe in the vows I took when I got married. I believe in family. But I also believe I deserve better because I gave my all.
Is this what I get for being such a caring person?….
I know some of you say…fool…what are you still doing there? I have asked that same question.
Lord, I know you are able to change anything and I also know that sometimes the answer is no….what to do….what to do.