Doors of time eternally wait to give of its bowels drenched in adventure
Open to ideas from before and of those foreseen in thought
Doors of surprise and some not so but expected in gratitude
Advancement in knowledge critiqued by desired acheivement
For want of excellent perfection doors do waiver not, but waits
Longing to expel that which was asked of it from now and before
To render its belongings to those that have gumption inwardly
Burnt to crispness defined by desires soulful need for success
Doors of plentiful pleasure as seen by those beholden to its giving
Doth appreciate such opportunity to expound upon possibilities
So many doors in waiting for naught of ignorance’s sting
To bore that which it was destined to bare for the beholden
Time’s relevance is irrelevant at times
Other times, so vastly important
Seeking to achieve one’s destiny
Time waits for no man at all times
Man’s purpose, sought by man throughout
In degrees that vary for purpose in life
Some to persevere in want and need
By others in disillusionment and despair
Flashing moments portray accomplishments
Times even to them who feel failure
Remember one and all, remember
Time’s relevance, in the hands of one
A popup rain storm is one that is not predicted by the weather personnel. When the conditions are right, they just appear. The lightning strikes, the thunder, the high winds and of course the rain.
Yes storms can do damage that can be costly, but they can also be beneficial. Breaking lose dead tree branches, clearing the air of pollen and pollution.
When the storm is over and the damages are assessed, it can’t be denied that everything looks cleaner, refreshing and you can smell it in the air.
I guess it can be said that storms in our lives serve the same purpose even if we don’t see it that way. It is not pleasant to be caught in a rain storm without shelter of any kind and the same can be said for the storms that develop in our lives. But how can anyone deny that once our life storm passes, we feel refreshed and stronger….triumphant.
Do I welcome or seek these storms into my life?….no way! But I cannot deny that it is a good feeling when all is said and done.
I think it’s about time to let you in on what has been going on in my life these past few months. It took a lot of prayer and searching within to make the major decision that took place in January. I talked to TheWife and Reg and we all agreed that it could be done.
So in January I gave my two weeks notice with a company I had been with for 5 1/2 years, but an occupation I have been doing for the past 35 years. I believe I had mentioned in a previous post or two how over the years my income was depreciating. Like many big businesses, it was becoming customary that employees get paid by production. It’s not like I remember back in the day when raises were awarded yearly. I do understand that times change and companies have to restructure in order to stay afloat, but it was becoming more difficult for me to adhere to the fact I had to work harder and harder as I grew older and the wear and tear began to take its toll on my body. Sure I could have stuck it out for many more years, but my speed was becoming an issue which played a part in my income.
If you’re not aware of the work I am talking about….it’s auto glass replacement. I remember when I first got into this type of work. I was originally a warehouse driver for a auto glass distributor…..that was in 1977. At the location where I was employed, they also had a retail shop for installations. Customers would bring there cars in to have broken windshields, door glasses and back glasses replaced. On a daily basis I walked past these cars and the guys working on them. I was fascinated at how complicated it looked but also amazed at how they got it done. They would prod me often about getting into that line of work but I would always refuse.
I was in my early twenties at the time and started thinking about the future and what I would do to support the family TheWife and I talked about. I began to see how becoming an installer (what we were called back then) would be beneficial to me and my future.
A guy by the name of Tom K. trained me. He was a top notch installer and everybody had a lot of respect for him and his quality of work. That rubbed off on me big time. I was gradually becoming a mirrored imaged in the quality of training given to me by Tom. Speed wasn’t important to me but quickly became a factor in the changing times. So I stepped it up quite a bit and the years of that and the decrease in pay was too much for me to deal with anymore.
I have to admit this wasn’t the only driving force to have a part in my decision to quit, but it was major.
So what’s in store for the future?…..stay tuned…..
Difficulties in life can weigh heavily on the mind, body, spirit, and soul of anyone. For me it has been to the point of emotional drainage. Dealing with these and coming to grips has undoubtedly taken its toll but has not destroyed me although at times I have felt as if they have.
I have always been a firm believer in God although I have not been in His presence the way I once was and I’m sure that is one reason for my present state of being. Prayer has made its way back into my life and is making a big difference.
Many years ago when I was a member of New Life Worship Center, I prayed oh so many times about my marriage and how I so desired to have a loving relationship with TheWife again. When we first met, things were everything I wanted in a relationship, but that changed after we got married. We still had good times and I’m sure many can relate how changes take place after years of being together, but I also know that this in not the norm in many cases. Many people knew of my dilemma and I’m sure countless prayers went out on our behalf.
I am an emotional, caring and sensitive person. Passion is strong in my being. I so desired to have these a part of my marriage but it was not to be and I wondered if I would ever rekindle these in the marriage. I tried talking and doing whatever I could to have my prayers answered because I knew that praying alone would not bring this to fruition. After years of emptiness I gave up and realized I was not going to have the answer I was seeking. I was bitter. Not at God, because I knew that all prayer does not bring the answer we are looking for. I was bitter at TheWife. I wondered why she chose to take the route she did in not trying to keep any kind of passion between us. I was truly perplexed. What puzzled me during our time in church was the fact that she began to give me the impression that because we were in church, it was wrong to have sexual thoughts and desires. For example, if we were watching a movie that had sex scenes, she would make comments about how disgusting it was….what?! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I talked to her countless times but without success. It was as if she felt because she was in church it was taboo to even think that way. Sure we had what she thought was sex every now and again but far from what even came close to satisfying my needs. After awhile I felt it was pointless and made me feel even more despondent.
I know that it is not unusual for some people to lose there sex drive but I don’t feel that was the case here. My thoughts were and still are today that she just didn’t want to have sex with me, she kept me at arms length so as NOT to have that in our marriage. Why? I have a few guesses as to why (maybe in part 3?).
I can’t remember the last time we had a long passionate kiss or loving embrace. My heart weighs heavy and I’m sure you may be wondering why in the world would I stay in a situation like this and I wonder also.
When we got back together, I thought things would be better than they were before and that we would have a relationship that would resemble anything close to what I dream of. She seems to be content with the way things are and would be happy to have a sexless, passionless life together. I’m far from being dead in body, mind, spirit and desires of the heart. I want and need to have the touch of a woman that would take my breath away. I long to have my ear nibbled. I want to have a woman’s hand to momentarily stroke or squeeze my butt to let me know that I still have it goin’ on. When I look in the mirror I see a man… a real man….not out of shape. Sure I’ve aged but at almost 58 years old, still desirable.
I’m not bitter at God, but I have asked…why Lord? What have I done to deserve this emptiness?
I’m sure you can tell in my comments lately concerning TheWife that I’m not happy and I seem to be bashing her but I also know that it is and has been up to me to do something about it. Saying that, I have to say this….because I believe in God, I also believe in the vows I took when I got married. I believe in family. But I also believe I deserve better because I gave my all.
Is this what I get for being such a caring person?….
I know some of you say…fool…what are you still doing there? I have asked that same question.
Lord, I know you are able to change anything and I also know that sometimes the answer is no….what to do….what to do.
For the past three days after dinner, I have found myself zonked out cold for hours and waking up in time to go to bed. I don’t know what has caused this activity to continue on a daily basis but I do hope that it finds an end….like….now.
Well for one thing, I’m not getting anything done….zip…nada….nothing…zilch.
Maybe I should work myself into a frenzy….naaaa….that would just make me even more tired and I probably would sleep until the next morning.
It has been a couple of weeks at least since I’ve popped out a new design of any kind….not counting a button I did for MahoganyMama.
You would think that after sleeping for hours I would be awake enough to get something done but that hasn’t been the case until tonight…uh….this morning. But I don’t plan to stay up much longer cuz I have to work tomorrow…uh…today, and if I stay up much longer I’m afraid I will continue this vicious cycle.
I’ll give you one guess what I’m wishing for.
So I bid you farewell in hopes to regain some kind of normal daily after work procedures…love y’all and thanks again for stopping by….I wouldn’t be doing this without you.
There once was a time when I was firm in what I believe in….I still do but it seems as if the conviction has been missing.
Yesterday I was sent to a man, or a man sent to me. He is a young man under 30 years of age and going places. He was a Art teacher in I believe he said High School. I told him he looked like he was supposed to be sitting in class taking lessons himself instead of teaching them.
The path he had chosen for himself, concerning artwork did not change, but took a different turn. He was fortunate enough to have someone suggest to him that he should pursue tattooing after they saw his work. I think that started while he was teaching.
As I listened to him, I was feeling a spark…a renewing…refreshed. It was this young man who ignited the flame that I thought was burning. Listening to his story was invigorating and hopeful. I hadn’t realized how much I had receded from my original goals. Sure I have had some life changing experiences and I have struggled but before I met this young man, I thought I had been bitten by a revived spirit. Just goes to show how deep some wounds can be as they truly will take time to heal.
My faith in God has never wavered and I have been prayerful. I’m thankful for this answered prayer, coming from a stranger, a young man blessed himself with an opportunity which has blossomed….a story to tell.
His name is Marshall Sinclair and here is his website www.marshallsinclair.com. He said they never duplicate a tattoo. He showed me a picture of one he had done the night before…it was fantastic!….he really is a good artist. I wish him much success.
One thing for sure….you never know when, where, what, or who, God will send in answer to prayer….you just never know….
Rain on me, each and every way
Soak me with the nutrients
Of Life I pray
Hold me close, don’t let me go
For I may wander
I wish to stay with the flow
Rain on me o Life and stay
True to your giving
As I grow each day
Fertilize me with, the trials that come
They make me strong
In the all day sun
I need to learn, as the days go byI may not succeed I at least will try
I am not perfect, no not in the leastBut I am hereOn your giving I feast
Rain on me o Life so trueI look to the skyYou are true blue
Like the twinkling starWas meant to beSo am I, in life thus far
In the heat of the dayIn the cool of the nightI am vibrant, with no decay
Rain on me, o Life you seeRain on me For it’s meant to be
Many of you know about the circumstances surrounding the health of my oldest brother LaGear. I think I may not have told you what his condition stems from.
He has prostate cancer and is losing the battle. To say the least, it is beyond difficult writing this post because I am flooded.
I am flooded with…I want to say grief, but that doesn’t describe what my emotions are at this very moment. I can’t stop crying…I type, I cry.
I’m thinking of my brother. How much I love him. I am not wishing we could have spent more time together.
I am thankful for the time we still share.
Yes I am hurting, so deep my eyes flood uncontrollably. I love my brother, my oldest brother. He was telling me…whenever I talked to him…he was telling me.
My mom called earlier today to tell me the nurse from Hospice called her from my brother’s house.
When the phone rang, I was in the middle of a job. I was feeling pretty good today compared to the last couple of days. LaGear had been heavy on my mind. Because I was in an upbeat mood, when I saw that it was my mom, I was not prepared for what she told me. The nurse said he is slipping away.
My mom knew I was planning to come up to Cleveland at the end of the month. She basically told me I need to come up there now. It hurt so bad. I started to work again and just stopped to call Clarice. Between tears, I told her the news and that I would be leaving sooner than expected.
I wanted to call Darcel; she was first on my mind when I thought to call home, but I couldn’t do that to her. I knew I would have a hard time talking, and I didn’t want her to have the sound of my quivering voice and the uncontrolled flow of tears on her mind with the kids and all…I couldn’t do that to her.
I finished up what I had left and dropped my paper work off at the shop. I talked to my supervisor before leaving and we went over my time off and he also gave me his number in case I need to call him.
Driving home didn’t take long and we talked about the trip as best we could on short notice.
This will be my last post until I get back. I’m going to schedule our Memories & Magic photo blog for a couple of days, but that’s it.
Right now, I would like to let all of you who follow my blog in whatever way you have chosen, how much I really appreciate you.
To my fellow poets, thank you so much for helping me to experience, magic.
I love all of you and would like to share this poem I penned while I was waiting for a phone call earlier…as a matter of fact, it was before my mom’s call by about 30 minutes….I hope you enjoy this.
I will seek you out
I will find you
I will make you void
All you have done
Will be for naught
That is my goal
What do you do?
Where do you hide?
When you are idle
I work hard to destroy
All that you do
All you have done
For this is my promise
I will do all I say
For I am love
And I will destroy
All that is not
I’m into my fifth day of consecutive posting and I have to admit that it has done a lot for me so far. My stress level has gone down a great deal, but I have been away from work and this will be my first day back since starting my 30 day challenge, beginning on the 19th.
So we’ll find out if I’m able to keep this good mood going. I’m realizing that a lot of my frustration is stemming from the fact that I’m not used to struggling through being in good moods. I do have my moments when I want to be alone and not be bothered, but who doesn’t. I think I might be out of sync…or should I say I am out of sync. I may as well; it would help to admit it out loud.
OK, that’s done.
Challenges of life can taxing to say the least. I know I have hoped and prayed for awhile now that my situation would change. In some ways it has. In a lot of ways it has not. I have not really questioned God as to why, but have wondered in my head and out loud as to why; and I believe I am asking myself when the questions arise.
Imagine a ship at sea in the midst of a storm without navigation, looking for the light from a lighthouse to help guide them. If the light is not shining, does that mean the lighthouse is not there?
So what about my hopes and prayers? Does that mean God is not there if nothing has changed?
I know He is still there and always will be. So what does that mean? For me it means that there are things that I should, can, will, and must do in oder to achieve that which I seek to accomplish.
I don’t think the occupants of that ship will give up just because they are unable to see the light that might guide them to safety. I believe they will do whatever they can to accomplish their goal…to survive the storm.