Archive for the ‘TheWife’ Category
Tomorrow is TheWife’s birthday and she had the day off from work today wanted to spend it with TheGrands and Darcel to celebrate.
when we got there, we were greeted with hugs.
After awhile we went to ‘the beach’…it’s not really a beach but a place where you can be close to the water and enjoy some ‘quiet time’…except for the cars and trucks zooming by on the freeway. If you zone yourself, you don’t even notice the sounds….and the kids love it.
There is not much to say about the time between my last day at work up until now but I will bring you up to speed. I’ll start with moving day. Samuel just love trucks so when he had a chance to sit behind the wheel of the moving truck, he wasn’t about to past that up.
|ok….i got this!|
|hmmm this might be a tight turn…|
The move itself took much longer than I thought it would and longer than it really should have. Yes we were two families moving to two different locations but we had more stuff coming here that I remember having.
I think it’s about time to let you in on what has been going on in my life these past few months. It took a lot of prayer and searching within to make the major decision that took place in January. I talked to TheWife and Reg and we all agreed that it could be done.
So in January I gave my two weeks notice with a company I had been with for 5 1/2 years, but an occupation I have been doing for the past 35 years. I believe I had mentioned in a previous post or two how over the years my income was depreciating. Like many big businesses, it was becoming customary that employees get paid by production. It’s not like I remember back in the day when raises were awarded yearly. I do understand that times change and companies have to restructure in order to stay afloat, but it was becoming more difficult for me to adhere to the fact I had to work harder and harder as I grew older and the wear and tear began to take its toll on my body. Sure I could have stuck it out for many more years, but my speed was becoming an issue which played a part in my income.
If you’re not aware of the work I am talking about….it’s auto glass replacement. I remember when I first got into this type of work. I was originally a warehouse driver for a auto glass distributor…..that was in 1977. At the location where I was employed, they also had a retail shop for installations. Customers would bring there cars in to have broken windshields, door glasses and back glasses replaced. On a daily basis I walked past these cars and the guys working on them. I was fascinated at how complicated it looked but also amazed at how they got it done. They would prod me often about getting into that line of work but I would always refuse.
I was in my early twenties at the time and started thinking about the future and what I would do to support the family TheWife and I talked about. I began to see how becoming an installer (what we were called back then) would be beneficial to me and my future.
A guy by the name of Tom K. trained me. He was a top notch installer and everybody had a lot of respect for him and his quality of work. That rubbed off on me big time. I was gradually becoming a mirrored imaged in the quality of training given to me by Tom. Speed wasn’t important to me but quickly became a factor in the changing times. So I stepped it up quite a bit and the years of that and the decrease in pay was too much for me to deal with anymore.
I have to admit this wasn’t the only driving force to have a part in my decision to quit, but it was major.
So what’s in store for the future?…..stay tuned…..
At the new place…more later.
The last thing I said in yesterday’s post was, what to do…what to do. I guess never giving up is one thing. When I got home from work, TheWife and I talked. It had nothing to do with what I have been posting about but it was talk that made me feel as if there is hope.
That’s the amazing thing about life….you never know what to expect at times. There were no fireworks, flashing lights or anything like that. It was as simple as can be, but it was genuine. I soaked it up like a sponge. I’m not saying that this is the beginning of what I have been hoping for….what I am saying is there was something in the air…it felt good.
What we did talk about had a lot to do with the future. We watched TV had some laughs and talked a bit more in between.
It’s not much, but….It’s A Start.
Difficulties in life can weigh heavily on the mind, body, spirit, and soul of anyone. For me it has been to the point of emotional drainage. Dealing with these and coming to grips has undoubtedly taken its toll but has not destroyed me although at times I have felt as if they have.
I have always been a firm believer in God although I have not been in His presence the way I once was and I’m sure that is one reason for my present state of being. Prayer has made its way back into my life and is making a big difference.
Many years ago when I was a member of New Life Worship Center, I prayed oh so many times about my marriage and how I so desired to have a loving relationship with TheWife again. When we first met, things were everything I wanted in a relationship, but that changed after we got married. We still had good times and I’m sure many can relate how changes take place after years of being together, but I also know that this in not the norm in many cases. Many people knew of my dilemma and I’m sure countless prayers went out on our behalf.
I am an emotional, caring and sensitive person. Passion is strong in my being. I so desired to have these a part of my marriage but it was not to be and I wondered if I would ever rekindle these in the marriage. I tried talking and doing whatever I could to have my prayers answered because I knew that praying alone would not bring this to fruition. After years of emptiness I gave up and realized I was not going to have the answer I was seeking. I was bitter. Not at God, because I knew that all prayer does not bring the answer we are looking for. I was bitter at TheWife. I wondered why she chose to take the route she did in not trying to keep any kind of passion between us. I was truly perplexed. What puzzled me during our time in church was the fact that she began to give me the impression that because we were in church, it was wrong to have sexual thoughts and desires. For example, if we were watching a movie that had sex scenes, she would make comments about how disgusting it was….what?! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I talked to her countless times but without success. It was as if she felt because she was in church it was taboo to even think that way. Sure we had what she thought was sex every now and again but far from what even came close to satisfying my needs. After awhile I felt it was pointless and made me feel even more despondent.
I know that it is not unusual for some people to lose there sex drive but I don’t feel that was the case here. My thoughts were and still are today that she just didn’t want to have sex with me, she kept me at arms length so as NOT to have that in our marriage. Why? I have a few guesses as to why (maybe in part 3?).
I can’t remember the last time we had a long passionate kiss or loving embrace. My heart weighs heavy and I’m sure you may be wondering why in the world would I stay in a situation like this and I wonder also.
When we got back together, I thought things would be better than they were before and that we would have a relationship that would resemble anything close to what I dream of. She seems to be content with the way things are and would be happy to have a sexless, passionless life together. I’m far from being dead in body, mind, spirit and desires of the heart. I want and need to have the touch of a woman that would take my breath away. I long to have my ear nibbled. I want to have a woman’s hand to momentarily stroke or squeeze my butt to let me know that I still have it goin’ on. When I look in the mirror I see a man… a real man….not out of shape. Sure I’ve aged but at almost 58 years old, still desirable.
I’m not bitter at God, but I have asked…why Lord? What have I done to deserve this emptiness?
I’m sure you can tell in my comments lately concerning TheWife that I’m not happy and I seem to be bashing her but I also know that it is and has been up to me to do something about it. Saying that, I have to say this….because I believe in God, I also believe in the vows I took when I got married. I believe in family. But I also believe I deserve better because I gave my all.
Is this what I get for being such a caring person?….
I know some of you say…fool…what are you still doing there? I have asked that same question.
Lord, I know you are able to change anything and I also know that sometimes the answer is no….what to do….what to do.